Tired body. Overwhelming thoughts. Thoughts about why the insatiable desire arises in a person to be loved by another. Many psychoanalytic ideas come to my mind. I seek love because I never received it in my childhood. Especially from my father. What kind of psychoanalysis would it be if I didn’t include childhood and my parents in the analysis? My emotions and desires, not taken seriously by my father, already were a sign of lovelessness to me. Phrases like “Be a good girl and I will love you, don’t behave like this or else you won’t have a father any more” are not exactly indicators of unconditional love, are they?
Did my father not love me, and that’s why I want to obtain another person’s love? Is this approach really correct? What if we consider the issue in such a way that this obtained love is not even necessary? That seeking love from people is more toxic than a romantic or kind way of living? Why should I need other people’s love, recognition and emotional validation? Am I not already a miracle of the world without people, just like every other person sent by this world? Not only a person, but any creature in this world. Don’t I already have value, and isn’t that why I exist? I have been granted so much by the universe — who can even list how much. I am already a person, loved by the universe. I have been given an individual and free spirit at my core, which already carries the love of the universe. Why should I tirelessly seek the love of people, especially those who resemble my father’s gender?
Being so close to death helps me realize that the insatiable thirst for love from people is as fleeting and vicious as excessive eating.
The love that comes from my heart for people is different. Since childhood, I have asked the universe to teach me to love people. Loving people as its creations is a different talent. For a person to love others willingly is a virtue, I think. To seek and wait, to demand and suck love out of others should be a toxic desire.
But… I am just as weak a person with similar desires. Is it necessary to carry this desire constantly? If this desire were good, would it consume so much effort, confront me with so much disappointment, and drag me into so many wrong, painful, and toxic relationships? I don’t think so…
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