Evening Twenty

As always, I lay down on the bed, exhausted. But I remembered what the doctor said, I need to fight for sleep hygiene now. I should only go to bed to sleep and avoid it at other times. Oh, what a difficult task! The bed has been my friend for so many months, and now I need to make friends with other objects so that I don’t go near the bed. I walked back and forth, smoking even more cigarettes. I paced around the yard, frantically circling the small bushes to feel some movement. I came back to the room, and an idea came to me.

I suggested a card game to my fellow patients who were staying in my room. For the first time in so many days, I felt a desire to connect with them. One agreed, another refused, but I said it was fine, and I was about to leave the room when I heard “okay, okay,” and three of us gathered to play cards. We cleared the table in the middle of the room, which hadn’t been used for weeks, and dusting it off became a necessary task.

We sat around the table, and slowly, step by step, we began to connect with each other while slowly picking up and puting down the cards. Gradually, a desire to smile emerged, and a bit of competitiveness started. Finally, the desire to defeat each other came, and laughter followed.

In the end, we added another idea and game – “Never Have I Ever.” This made us decide to get to know each other better, step by step, carefully. It requires great caution to say something about past trauma or the idea of suicide so it doesn’t become overwhelming. We started finishing the sentence: “Never have I ever…” Through this, we learned a lot about each other, what plans we had for the future, where we had traveled, what conversations we had with our parents, who had sex on a washing machine, and what adventures we had experienced. This game didn’t lessen the laughter; on the contrary, it brought us closer.

The game ended, and I went to the nurses to get my medication. Behind me, I heard a loud noise and then a big crash. I turned around and saw one of the fellow patients taking down a flower vase nearby and smashing it piece by piece on the floor. This prompted the nurses into swift action. The female nurse chased after the runaway patient but couldn’t catch up. Now it was the male nurse’s turn. He ran and caught up with the patient at the already locked door. Where she could have escaped… At this moment, traumatized and feeling like my legs had been cut off, I sat down on the floor. I was scared, and my breathing quickened.

The noise scared me, and I felt like there was a danger lurking behind me. I don’t know exactly what danger, but it’s the trauma that makes me have an emotional reaction to the noise. A physical startle isn’t enough; there’s also a sense of psychological danger, and I lose feeling in my legs. That’s why I trembled and sat down on the floor. The fellow patients came over and touched me on the shoulder. The touch on my shoulder reminded me that I was in a safe environment and helped me regulate my breathing.

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